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The Bad Luck Betties (Vivid Alt)
Dana DeArmond's Role Modeling (Vivid Alt)
Kung Fu Nurses A Go Go (Wicked)
Kung Fu Nurses a Go Go starts with Randy Spears visiting the office of a hot nurse in fetish PVC. He's exhausted; she recognizes him as a porn star and wants him to help her get into porn. She proves amply ready, and quite healthy herself, but doesn't help much with his exhaustion. The scene has the cunning lingual attentions for which Spears is known -- yum. She then prepares a second cleansing for him -- and is about to give him a major enema when it turns out she's not even supposed to be working this office. Nurse #2 shows up to evict her, and they square off in a kung fu match while Spears watches dumbfounded. It's goofy. It gets goofier as she visits patient Marco Banderas, who doesn't speak a word of English, and vents to him, telling him about the Kung Fu Nurses A Go-Go Dance Contest before inveigling him into her web of sin by getting him to get out of bed and dance, smacking him around a little while she's at it. She gets so worked up, in fact, that she has to suck his dick, which she does skillfully. He returns the favor; they fuck; it's goofy, but sort of hot. Once Marco's treatment is finished, Nurse #3, pissed off that she can't go to the Nurses A Go-Go dance contest, starts a kung fu match with her boyfriend. She kicks his ass and fucks him bowlegged. Tina, a candystriper played by Nikki Kane, is next, in kung fu training with Evan Stone, who finds himself injured when she hits him too hard. He experiences bodily swelling, with which Nikki helps ably. There's some cunnilingus and a little 69-ing, then a lot of fucking. Nikki then jumps into a kung fu match. Enema-bag and dildo fu. They stop fighting because it's time to get ready for the dance contest. Mr. Thermopoles (Nick Manning) is the proprietor of the bar hosting the dance contest; she goes to see him and get some dance pointers, but as it turns out he's the martial arts instructor at a delinquent girls' academy, so he gives her some kung fu pointers instead; and as you know, all kung fu training sessions end in sex. (Fleshbot claimed this is "the return" of Mr. Thermopoles, but I've never heard of him before, so I was less than excited about it.) The rival candystripers dance after that; then there's all three pink ladies dancing. Some dude wanders in and wows everyone with his hot dancing, winning the contest. He insists that the Pink Ladies have a girl-girl orgy for his entertainment. It's goofy. It ends with a "To Be Continued." I was really on the edge of my seat, so I have to say, I'm not sure I'll be able to concentrate on anything until I find out what happens in Volume 2. Thanks, Mark Stone, for ruining my life!!! Kung Fu Nurses A Go Go is a strange, weird, campy, reasonably fun sexploitation flick with sex scenes that didn't work for me all that well but hey, like I said, the more kung fu nurses in porn, the better. It's recommended if you are attracted to a porn movie with the title "Kung Fu Nurses A Go Go" -- fairly self-explanatory, really. Girlgasmic (Anabolic)
I knew I was in trouble with Girlgasmic during the titles, when the clips they chose had women caterwauling to high heaven as if they were my cats demanding to be let out in the middle of the night after I'd taken a sleeping pill and stuffed earplugs in. There was also lots of dirty talk, like "Oh yeah, yeah yeah, fuck that shit, yeah, work that shit, yeah, you like to fuck that pussy? Yeah, fuck that pussy!" which, if you've ever heard women make love, is EXACTLY what they sound like (that's my sarcastic voice). Then the trouble really started, as they showed a clip of one woman facefucking another woman with a vibrator while they both moan uncontrollably -- come on, we're supposed to believe that women really do that? And that it brings them such pleasure that they start moaning hysterically? Yeah… I don't think so. Once we get into the actual fuck scenes, there's also lots of the hissing intake of breath that women only do in porn, followed by that weird yowling sound. I am not sure what is being done here, but it does not look or sound a damn thing like sex. If those sorts of weird noises and bizarre screen-lesbo behaviors don't bother you, it's worth noting that the women in fact are fantastically hot. The first long scene features brunettes Veronique Vega, Eva Angelina, and Alexis Love, with blondes Sindee Jennings and Brooke Belle. The pairings get mixed up and shaken around in a big long orgy scene, with lots of toy fucking, some strap on play, and the occasionally dirty talk that doesn't sound completely ridiculous, or maybe sounds ridiculous but somehow seems to work, vaguely ("You like how I take your fat pussy like a man?" being the prime example.) Then, of course (of course!!) the squirting starts. The next scene features Penny Flame, Maria Bellucci, Sativa Rose, Holly West, Gianna Lynn -- beautiful dames all, they. Everybody joins in, and to me this scene is considerably more successful, with louder music so the yowling doesn't seem so weird. There's still lots of it. This scene is more playful and less artificial, so if you like that whole girl-girl orgy thing, maybe it's worth checking out. Scene 3 offers up Ashley Jensen, Aline, Hannah West, Cassidy Essence, Jaclyn Case; they're hot, there's yowling, it's artificial. The truth is I don't like girl-girl titles, for the most part, because they're so insanely fake. Anabolic's Girlgasmic, for all the sizzlin' beauty of its stars, is a peculiarly well-produced and pretty-looking distillation of exactly what I hate about chick-on-chick commercial porn flicks. Brianna Love: Her Fine Sexy Self (Evil Angel)
What Her Fine Sexy Self actually is -- well, it's a feature with mob overtones. It opens with a disturbing scene of a girl being roughed up by a badass mob dude. It quickly slides into a two-guy-on-one-girl threesome with Brianna Love, Mark Wood and some dude. Then, Brianna's suddenly on camera, telling us the story of Frankie Dapp: "I've known Franky Dapp since I was a little girl; never knew what he did, he always had something going on. He's like an uncle to me." Who's Frankie Dapp? Fuck if I know. Oh, he turns out to be this neighborhood mobster guy who is sort of like a surrogate father to Brianna -- and he's played by old-school porn star and Fine Sexy Self director John Leslie. When Brianna lets local hoods Petey and Joe take some videotape of her being tag-teamed by them, she worries: What are they going to do with that tape? What if they put it on the internet? She takes her concerns to Frankie, and Roxy DeVille seconds them. Frankie assures her that nothing bad will happen to the tape. Whew! With that concern allayed, Brianna hooks up with Jean Claude Batiste and Derrick Pierce for an interracial foursome with Batiste's girlfriend. Thereafter, while Brianna is at the midnight movies with Petey, Roxy ends up romancing her bartender boyfriend and he eats her out on the barstool. Brianna Love happens in and sashays over to join in. Pissed off, she comes to see Frankie, she was up all night, upset that she joined in with Bulldog and Robin getting it on the night before. Turns out Bulldog is Frankie's secret son. Drama! Sort of. Frank gives her a pep talk about staying true. Randomly, Brianna is then in a cage with an inflatable pump gag stuffed into her mouth. Huh? It comes out and is replaced by a cock. She droolingly sucks off a pair of guys and a chick with a strap-on in a scene that is very shadowy and beautiful but kinda seems to go on forever. Sound random? It is. It's kind of like a feature, only with the story all crossed over and random and confusing. And ultimately I'm not sure the payoff is worth it, especially since as described so far the flick is ONLY AT THE END OF THE FIRST DISK. And it is a three-disk set, though admittedly one disk is the soundtrack -- more on that later. The second disk begins with Brianna hooking up with Bernard, this guy who's been trying to pick her up through the whole first disk. He does so successfully, getting her way drunk and giggly; they stumble to Bernard's condo, where Brianna discovers that two other dudes are waiting to fuck her, too. (Huh?) I'm unclear on whether Bernard is gay and pimps for his bisexual lovers/roommates, or what. Regardless, Brianna gets cozy with the two proferred members and fucks herself while they watch. Then sucks both cocks. Then it's a four-way more watching whatever. When Bernard's done with her the other guys fuck her and come on her feet and/or face. Whoopee. Sadly, when she's done with Bernard, Bernard and the other two guys insist that she stay and they piss on her, and beat her up when she refuses. She goes to Frankie and tells him the story. He confronts Bernard and Bernard admits to it; he then follows as Bernard takes a girl home and fucks her. Bernard's friends show up again and they gangbang her. He tries the same trick on her, and it turns out she's a friend of Frankie's and Frankie and his friends are waiting to beat the guys up. Exciting. Disk 2 ends with the finish of the story: Brianna loved Frankie Dapp, and is going to miss him. I guess he's dead. Not sure how that happened, or why I should care, but thanks for the news flash, Brianna. The story of Fine Sexy Self seems like it could be awesome, but its execution is so random that I really had no idea what the point is. The sex scenes are gorgeous and hot but go on kinda long. Brianna's character name kind of flips from "Jill" to "Brianna," and I could never quite figure out why. Really, sometimes people who make porn utterly elude me. Add to the two disks -- 3+ hours!! -- of porno the fact that Comes with a soundtrack disk, which would be less strange if the soundtrack wasn't weird and dull lounge jazz that sounds like your grandmother would tell you to turn it off because it's too f#$$!!!-ing boring. I wanted to like this flick; I really, really did. I was unsuccessful. Sorry, Brianna (or Jill, or whoever).
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